Ask any couple what they argue about most, and you will most likely hear the same topics over and over again. Money, household chores, work stress, technology and sex are some of the most common relationship problems.
These issues can be so damaging to relationships that, if not dealt with properly, they could result in divorce at worst, and at best, create very angry and bitter partners.
Every couple goes through difficult times and, believe it or not, these hot button issues can be resolved quite easily, but not without effort from both parties.
Money
One of the most common arguments in a relationship is about money. From how to save to how it should be spent, you probably have very different views on this subject.
Aside from infidelity, arguing about money is the second leading cause of divorce, according to a research study conducted by Ramsey Solutions.
The important thing to remember when dealing with money is that you both should agree on what to do with it as a united team. You are a partnership, after all.
This means not hiding large expenditures from your spouse; the primary breadwinner not holding money over the other partner’s head; not spending more than your income can support; and being honest and open with each other from the get-go regarding your expectations.
Take a hard look at what money actually means to both of you (you may be surprised at your different thought processes), put all prior grievances aside and start fresh by having a constructive discussion to work through any financial impasses that come up.
Once you work through those issues, create a budget that you can both stick to without resentment. Create a concrete financial action plan for your future as well. List your long-term goals such as saving money for the kids’ college, saving for your own retirements and paying off your home early.
List your short-term goals as well, such as having a savings account with six months salary in case of a job loss or medical emergency, going on that vacation you’ve always wanted or buying a new car.
Housework
The division of household chores is one of the biggest causes of resentment in a relationship. When one partner does more than the other, this can negatively impact all aspects of the relationship.
Typically, women are the ones who shoulder most of the housework and childcare, and studies have shown that men often overestimate their contributions to the household.
If you’re the one shouldering most of the work and suffering in silence (or doing the opposite, nagging), it’s time to have a talk with your partner.
Explain to him that the current situation is not working for you, and enlist his input in creating a plan that divides the chores more evenly. List everything from the dishes to yardwork to childcare and home projects.
If you both take an active role in dividing up the work on paper, then you are more apt to honor the agreement. The important thing is to make the division of work fair for both of you. Place the list in a prominent area in your home so it is visible and can’t be forgotten easily by either party.
Try to get out of the habit of asking him for “help.” This places you in the role of the “taskmaster,” and places him in the role of “helper.” No, no, no, a thousand times, no. Do not do this to yourself. You are both equal partners in the relationship. Treat him like a partner and not a helper.
Work Stress
In our culture, it seems as if we can never get away from work, and the boundaries between work and home have become more and more muddled. We live in a society where many workplaces demand longer hours and constant connectivity, and the stresses from work follow us home more often than not.
For example, you may have a misogynistic, micromanaging boss; he may have a really large project due that, if all goes well, may culminate into a well-deserved promotion. The amount of work stress you have coupled with all of your other obligations is enough to put a strain on the healthiest of relationships.
If you or your partner find it hard to let go of work when you’re at home, there are some solutions that may help.
Exercising at least 30 minutes a day can help relieve stress and anxiety, and exercise also releases powerful endorphins that help boost your mood. Socializing with family and friends and making time for affection and touch can help you feel less connected to work and more connected to those you love.
Relaxing in the evenings by listening to music you enjoy, unplugging from your electronic devices or working on a hobby you love will reduce your overall stress.
Learning to detach yourself from your work is the best thing you can do for your sanity and your relationship. People who are able to forget about their work when they get home are more present with loved ones, feel less stressed and show more affection to their partners.
Technology
Emotional connection and intimacy is almost impossible to achieve this day and age with the prevalence of social media and the internet. There are literally millions of distractions that can be found online with just the touch of a button. One research study on young couples showed the average amount of time spent in face-to-face conversation was a mere 35 minutes a week, and most of that time was spent discussing participation in household chores, according to the Gottman Institute.
If you or your partner is complaining that one of you is too plugged into technology and not present enough in your relationship, then you should take steps to address this problem immediately, even if one of you doesn’t agree. The easiest solution is for both of you to sit down together and create a mutually agreed upon and fair, technology agreement.
Discussions may center around not checking emails, responding to texts or scrolling through social media during certain times such as at mealtimes, date nights, your child’s sporting events, when either one of you needs to talk or during family gatherings.
Sex
This is always a hot topic between couples. There is usually one partner who wants more sex than the other. One partner may feel like they are the one constantly pursuing sex, and the other always feels as if they are the one who is constantly fending off the pursuit.
Other common arguments surrounding sex include having unfair expectations, such as expecting your partner to have an orgasm during every sexual encounter, disagreements over trying new things and one partner feeling as if they are the one doing all of the work during the act itself.
For those of you who feel as if you don’t have sex enough, try these solutions:
Woo your partner. Put more energy into making your partner feel loved and cherished. Listen to them with your full attention outside of the bedroom so they know you care about who they are as a person; turn off the TV, put the phone down and concentrate on being present with your partner; be vulnerable and tell your significant other how sexy or attractive they are to you; enjoy fun activities together as a couple (not just the things you enjoy!); and contribute your share of the housework and childcare so your partner will be less tired.
Don’t criticize your partner. The quickest way to turn your partner off from wanting to have sex with you in the future is to critique their performance, lack of desire or their body. Everyone has an “off” day once in a while when they don’t perform as well as they normally would, so don’t make it a big deal. Try not to take your partner’s rejection of your advances personally, and understand that sometimes your partner only has sex with you out of love for you and your needs. Some people just don’t need, or want, sex as often as others. And when it comes to your partner’s body image, they already know they are lacking in certain areas – they don’t need you to reinforce the bad feelings about their body that they may already have about themselves.
For those of you who distance yourelves from sex, try these solutions:
Balance your intimacy with your to-do list.Pay someone to do at least some of the household chores, such as your laundry, so you’ll have extra time and energy. If you excercise 8 hours a week, save one hour for sex (that’s still excercise!). If you work 50 hours a week, leave work an hour early one day each week and reserve that hour for sex.
Initiate sex. This advice may seem crazy since you aren’t the one who wants to have sex that much anyway. However, if you initiate sex, then you have control over how, when and where you have sex. You’ll be more into it when you initiate, and your partner will love it that he isn’t chasing you for a change.
Understand your partner’s needs. If he wishes you had sex six times a week, and you only do it twice a week, try to meet him halfway. If he wants to try something new and it is not hurtful to you or against your personal morals, try it at least once. Making a sincere attempt to meet your partner’s sexual needs at least some of the time will help your relationship in the long run.
All of these common issues can be resolved if both parties are willing to put in the work. Working together with grace, understanding, patience and caring is usually all you need to achieve peace and happiness in your relationship. WGW
